Sunday, 13 November 2011

Still here, still alive...

Hi everyone!

I'm still here, I'm still alive and I'm back to blogging. Or should I say I hope I'm back to blogging because it was so long ago when I posted something... 
I have to say that I'm a bit shaky while writing this because this will be really personal entry, so if you, dear follower/reader are looking for craft/deco sweets advice or tutorial, please skip this entry. I will also understand  if any of you will remove my blog from your blog list and stop following me. The reasons why I'm saying this will be clear after you read this (or not.... :) 

I wanted to write this post long time ago and to be honest, I was thinking about it almost every day. More and more I waited, the more I was afraid to write it down here, but I knew that I had to do it, for all of you to explain why I was absent for so long, and more importantly for myself. I haven't really talked to anyone about my problems, only with my boyfriend and my doctor, and this post would me my quiet monologue and probably some kind of therapy to get everything out of my chest, and my heart.

Some of you probably remember me mentioning in my previous posts that I felt sad, down and I was crying without any reason? Well diets didn't help, over the counter herbal pills didn't help either... I felt totally lost and with no control over my emotions... Don't want to go deeper into the reasons and symptoms because they are way to personal and I'd feel a bit ashamed about myself too. Long story short, I decided to see a doctor and seek help. I was told that I suffer from depression... That was I think, May or June and since then I've been taking antidepressant pills. 

When I heard that I have to take this medication, I got a bit scared. I didn't want to look like I'm crazy and I was worried how I will behave after them. I thought that I will be mega hyper and excited all the time. But nothing like this happened. I have to say that I feel normal again and I have control over my thoughts. I don't cry anymore without any reason. These pills only stopped my mood swing and now I feel I'm finally myself.

Now this is the hardest part for me, to explain a bit why I felt like that. 
I came to England almost six years ago, with my "friends" and my ex-boyfriend. I broke up with him and basically because of that I lost everyone who claimed to be my friend, mate or even a pal. I know I terribly hurt my ex but  he's happy now, much happier than when he was with me. And I've learnt tough lesson who was my true friend and that hurts the most. Because of that I don't really want to have any contact with Polish people in UK, just because all of them turned their backs on me before. 

To make this story shorter, I felt in love again, I'm still with him and I should be happy, but I wasn't... That's what was depressing me. I knew that I should be happy because I discovered things about myself I didn't know before, like my crafts and things I could do and make. But my life was empty, with no friends and myself being different from everyone around me. Believe me, it's hard living on your own in different country, without friends or family. The only people I knew were my work colleagues and I was desperately trying to find a soul mate. Sadly it never happened and that was making me feel worse. I felt that I can't fit anywhere because I'm so different from people around me, with my crafts, deco sweets, manga&anime, BJD and recently Lolita. And just after I started taking my medications, I attended my first ever Lolita meet in Bristol. That was like my my mind has opened to a totally new world to me! I remember I was sitting on the bench next to girls who were talking about games and animes, and I was thinking: "My God! I finally found people who are more weird than me!" And I loved it! ^___^

Meeting new Lolitas and attending meet ups made me realize that I don't have to limit myself to people from work! Before I blamed myself for being different and I thought that this was the reason why people don't want to hang out with me. But I was so wrong :) There is nothing wrong with me, I am myself and I know that there are people somewhere who will appreciate me for being myself. To be honest, since I started attending Lolita meet ups, I've met many amazing girls! I finally opened myself to new things and new people. 

Now I'm sitting in front of the computer screen and I'm wondering if I should publish this post or not. I wonder if I will loose some of my readers because they will think I'm a weirdo or crazy :)
If you are reading this now, then you know that I conquered my fears and I clicked "Publish" :)

I also would like to apologize for my English :P I didn't want to read it again and check it because I would probably delete it and wouldn't post anything at all... :D 

Thank you all and till the next post! :)
Mini Mo

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